For Beth…

4 Dec

A few days ago I ran into a friend who asked me “when are you going to post again?” 
I guess I hadn’t considered it.
However, through our conversation I was reminded that I left you all high & dry.
I kinda left the last post as a big teaser – waiting for the sequel possibly?
So here it goes…

In the last 5 months a lot has happened here:
My new job as the Executive Director of KAIMH (Kansas Association for Infant & Early Childhood Mental Health)  Trying to figure out how to answer the business phone… “Goodmorningthankyouforcallingthekansasassociationforearlychildhoodmental
healththisisshanahowmayihelpyou?”  Nah.  “ThanksforcallingKAIMHthisisShana” Yeah.
Obviously a huge part of my job is trying to figure out important things like that.
It’s been tough.  I’m not good at professional change.  I tend to get too deep into my head – “am I doing a good job?”  “does my board think I’m doing a good job?”  “does my board like me?” blah, blah, blah.  The truth be told, none of that matters.  What matters is whether families and children across the state of Kansas are getting what they need.  If not, what can I do to help get them the services they need? Beyond that, the rest is just a crap shoot.

Since July the family has grown – even more.  I now am a parent of a high-schooler and a middle-schooler.  It seems impossible that someone as young as me could accomplish such a feat – but it happened.  I’m old.

Since July I’ve turned another year older.  I’ve run two more half-marathons – one was great, one was blah.  Still haven’t broken 2 hrs.  Still haven’t followed any kind of training plan.  Still am amazed that I run the same pace each race without training.  Hmmmm…

Since July I’ve met a TON of fantastic people across the state that make me miss my old job more than I thought was possible.
Since July I’ve met a TON of inspiring people across the state who are doing more than I ever thought was possible.
Since July I’ve had three friends diagnosed with cancer.
Since July I’ve had two friends beat cancer and finish all medications associated with it.
Since July I’ve attended cross-country meets, swim meets, choir concerts, musicals, drove to countless practices and volunteering opportunities.
Since July I’ve sat on the couch watching movies & football with my family, played countless games of UNO, and slept with my children when daddy is gone.
Since July I’ve watched one friend move to another country and one friend move home.
Since July I’ve  been on one date – the most spectacular date EVER!!
Since July I’ve laughed incredibly hard & cried just as hard.  I’ve doubted every ounce of my purpose in my new position and have been confirmed in my new position.  I’ve  longed for the service I used to provide to families in Harvey county and I’ve been freed from having to ‘work’ while grocery shopping.  I’ve continued to strengthen my spirit and I’ve gone to church a handful of times.  I’ve gone on a girls’ trip and I’ve missed out on others.  I’ve partied with friends and I’ve discontinued relationships.

Just like with you, a lot has happened in 5 months.

It’s a wrap!

18 Jul

Remember 3 months ago when I told you I was excited about something but couldn’t share it just yet?
Notice how I haven’t posted in a while?

Well folks – it’s real. . . I GOT A BIG-GIRL JOB!
I can’t tell you much more than that.
I can only tell you that I am done as a ‘blogger’ (which is funny since I rarely blog).
Life goes on.

Why do I refer to my new job as a ‘big-girl job’?
Because I have things like benefits and regular paychecks!
Whoa!
I’m lucky enough to still work from home.
I’m lucky enough to get to travel around the state working with other ECMHP (early childhood mental health professionals).

I’m stoked!
I heard about the possibility in February.
I prayed and prayed in March.
The job opening was announced in April.
I sent in my resume in May.
I interviewed in June.
They offered me the job in July.
I start full-time (yikes) in August.
I have been preparing and feeling like I ‘knew’ for SIX MONTHS!!

I have to tell you.
I’m scared out of my mind.
What if I fail?
What if I stop taking care of myself?
What if I don’t actually know anything?

I keep telling myself -
“They wouldn’t have chose you if they didn’t believe in you.”
“Focus on what is important and everything else will fall away.”
“You have spent your entire life training for this position.”

God is cool like that.
Even if we have to wait 42 years to see His plan for us.
Even if we have to wait 6 months to know it’s real.
He knew all along.

It’s. For. Real.

waterworks

24 Jun

It‘s too much sometimes. 
The growing-up of the children.
I don’t know what to do with myself.

Want to know the best part?
My two kids like each other.  
Like, A LOT!

We just picked up the big kid from camp.
Before I put my truck in park the little one jumped out to greet her brother.
They stood there hugging for what seemed like a full minute (probably 30 seconds though!). 
That’s what I will miss the most when they grow up.  

I sat in my truck crying while all the kids stared and my kids hugged. 
Bring on the waterworks. 
I cried. 

The end. 

*disclaimer – they also fight like siblings you know*

four days

20 Jun

Friday – 7pm – I received a text from a friend “want to come over at 7:30 for some wine?”
YES!
Walked into liquor store for said purchase.
Came out to text back.
Nothing.
Dead phone.
No biggie.
I’ll just charge it.
But I charged it.  
Nothing.
I took the battery out.
Nothing.
I ‘synched’ it.
Nothing.
This went on for an hour.
I emailed my friend.
I was too tired at that point.
I had trained all day and was already yawning while messing with my phone.
So I sat on my couch and did…
Nothing. 

The next morning.
No internet.
Nothing.
Reboot.
Nothing.
Unplug & reboot.
Nothing.
Two days.
Nothing.  

Oh well.
Who needs these things?

It was a great weekend.
Father’s day with the best daddy ever.
And not ONE interruption.
Weird.

Last year at OKC Marathon - I really don't get my camera out much.

 

My replacement phone will be here tomorrow.
It will be four days without it.
I think I’m ready now.  

the fact of the matter

16 Jun

Yesterday I was in a foul mood. 
Know what I love about foul moods?
They are short-lived.

The fact of the matter is – life is full of stressors.
There are some I wish I could talk about on my blog.
The fact of the matter is – they are too private.
There are some that are trivial.
The fact of the matter is – they don’t deserve the energy I was giving them.
There is absolutely nothing I can do to change most of it.
The fact of the matter is – I don’t think it’s my job to do anyway.

On the schedule for today?
Awesome.
Nothing else.
Just awesome.

aw – Come on!

15 Jun

No one commented on my previous post?
Seriously?
Oh wait – maybe you didn’t see Him…
*hint* He’s behind the curtain.
There you go.
I didn’t want you to miss out on it.
I don’t know why but every time I see that cartoon I LOTI (laugh on the inside)

I’m in a crummy mood.
Seriously.
Bouncing between crying and punching something.
I can hardly stand myself.
Have done all of the tricks that typically work.
Worked out.
Finished my reading for an exam.
Have eaten healthy all day (culprit?).
Texting with a friend.
Emailing with sis-in-law.
Finished preparing for an upcoming presentation.

Banking on PMS.
If this continues life will get gnarly.

Later.

because it’s funny

9 Jun


Have you found Him?

 

6 x 400′s? Whatever.

6 Jun

Sometimes I pretend I’m a ‘real runner’.  Maybe you’ve heard of the type – they train, they fuel (eat) correctly, they do fartleks (speed), they care about how their body is performing.

Me? Well, I just look at my watch, calculate how far I can go based on the amount of free time I have and head out the door.  Preferably before 10am and preferably when children are otherwise occupied.  So far it’s worked pretty well – other than last year when I was working my tail off to break 2 hours in a half marathon & ended up injured.  Still 2 minutes shy, but who’s counting?

So today I put on my ‘big girl’ pants and decided I would do an actual workout vs. running around aimlessly.  I decided on a 1 mile warm-up + 6 x 400′s at 2 min pace + 1 mile cool down = about a 45 minute workout.  Everything always sounds better in my head.

I drove my big kid to swim practice and headed to the track.  Upon arrival I noticed the HS football team “conditioning” (aka – practicing, but you’re not allowed to call it that, nor are you allowed to require it, yet the number of players who see playing time are mysteriously the same as those who show up. hmmm) inside the track.  My ego took a hit.  I know most of the kids in town – it’s a luxury of my job and of living in the same small town For-Ev-Er!  No biggie.  I won’t make eye contact with them.  They won’t make eye contact with me.

I did my 1 mile warm-up (slowly) – staring at my short stumpy shadow around each bend – SCARY!  Sure the sun was just at the right angle to make me look 4 ft. tall and 300 lbs. but I don’t think the sun makes things bounce.  Whatever.   I completed 2 of my 400′s (just under pace thankyouverymuch) when I noticed another group of boys walking out of the HS to begin ‘conditioning’.  The FRESHMEN!  I considered finishing but instead decided my ego and my son’s reputation were at stake here.  I left the track.  :-(

That’s all well and good – but the best part of the story is my son’s reaction when I told him.  ”Mom! You totally should have stayed!  All my friends love you.” Which I smiled and said, aw thanks. And he responded “Plus – my mommy’s a runner!!”

I have bragged about my kids relentlessly here – but that was the best compliment he has given me lately.
They don’t care if we are slow.
They don’t care if we are 4 ft. tall and 300 lbs.
They don’t care if their friends laugh at them.
They care that we are moving and setting an example.

Here’s a picture.  Because posts without pictures can be so boring.

2010 Bolder Boulder - He's a lot taller now. Me? Not so much.

Created for Good

3 Jun

I’m about to get all cheesy and deep on you.  I have big/HUGE things going on in my life and I feel the need to purge a little anxiety in order to keep the balance.  (see – I give you a little of my anxiety & we all feel a little wonky together – you’re welcome). 

So…
I’ve mentioned lately that I have been doing some soul-searching.  Okay, maybe not ‘lately’ but for the last year or so.
For a while I was constantly asking God (and you) “where am I headed?” or “What is my ‘gift’?”
You see, not only do I want to glorify God in everything I do, but I also want to thank him for what he has given me.
There has been plenty to be thankful for AND there has been plenty to want to scream at Him, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? WHY DID I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS????” Each time I have felt him answer “I will not hurt you.” And so it goes.

I believe we are all created for the Good.  To reach others, to help others, to listen to our hearts and the Spirit in them.
I know there is so much more we could all do to help others.  But I also know that there is a point when God says, “Good job.” and allows us to move on to the next chapter.
Whether it is resigning from a job you’ve had for years or letting go of a relationship or watching your child go off to college – I believe He holds us and loves us and thanks us.

Today I will attempt something that I was created for.  I’ve been staring at Ephesians 2:10 and listening to His words “… doing good works that God has prepared us in advance to do”.  There are some things that may have hurt from our past, but God knew all along what those works could do for us and for others.  Abuse, trauma, divorce, abandonment, etc. are all AWFUL things.  But there is a gift God has given – the gift of Free Will.  YOU get to choose if you will use your hurt for the good of others or to harm, hate, and loath yourself, God and others.

As I spend my day – I will thank God for where he is placing me – for every step he is walking with me – and for every crappy part of my life.  Without those sucky times, I would never be able to appreciate this glorious time of renewed spirit and confidence in what I was created to do.

What were you created for?

31 May

Just sat down at my computer to ‘work’ – which translated to “anything I can do to avoid the actual job at hand“.  Part of the problem is motivation (the pool is open), another part is interruptions (kid questions every 20 seconds), and part denial (if I write another discharge summary I am that much closer to being done).  So why not make a sweet little list about what brought me smiles this weekend? 

* Sitting by the chiminea with the kids – talking life, friends, choices, etc.  Big things were decided this weekend – it was hard, but we all feel better.

* Making one year goals – we each made a list of ‘goals’ – Fitness, Financial, and Faith

* Laughing until we cried about what a great dog name would be and then using the name in sentences.    

* Holding a two-month-old baby for hours on end.

* Visiting with cousins we haven’t seen for months. 

* Making a quick trip to my favorite store Guitar Center

* Deciding NOT to make a daily schedule for the summer – ask me how I feel about this in a few weeks.  

* Spending 3 full days with my husband and kids without any breaks.  Sweet. 

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