After attending a conference on aggressive children and trauma – I walked away with these two videos stuck in my head. If you work with children in any capacity: parenting, foster parenting, grandparenting, teaching, counseling, caregiving, mentoring, etc. I encourage you to spend 10 minutes watching these:
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Food for thought
17 FebFrom Zero to Three - something to think about (and maybe elaborate):
Relationships are key:
As babies, the way we are held, talked to, and cared for teaches us about who we are and who we will become. Early experiences set a course for a lifelong process of discovery about ourselves and the world around us. Whether you are working directly with children or supervising a staff, your relationships with them are the key to success.
Questions:
What if the infant wasn’t held? talked to? cared for? – how do we help that child?
How has your early experience shaped your life?
What happens to our children when all of those things were given in infancy and then stopped?
What happens to adults who aren’t held? talked to? or cared for?
I loved the statement about infants. But I worry about our older children – our friends – our parents.
Relationships are key. Period.
I hope you have a significant relationship.
I hope your relationships with your children are strong.
I hope your relationship with your parents are healing if they need to be.
I hope you feel safe everyday of your life.
I hope you recognize your own needs and find a way to meet them.
I hope you continue to hold, talk to, and care for yourself and those you love.
LOVE my job!
15 FebThe best part of my job is consulting with teachers.
Know why?
They are the ‘parent’ to 20+ children.
They are often a parent to their own children at home too.
I feel like I’m helping to change the lives of hundreds of children every time I come in contact with a teacher.
It’s simply The BEST!
Here’s a funny part about working with some teachers (you know who you are).
The same complaint they have about children – is typically their biggest area of personal struggle.
For example, a few years ago I was doing a training for a LARGE group of elementary school teachers and administrators (150-200 ‘professionals’).
The hardest part of my day was to get them to focus and stop talking!
I laughed about that a lot with this group because this also happened to be their biggest complaint about their students.
We love to be in a room with folks with similar interests.
But sometimes it’s difficult to want to make a change.
Here’s my latest example: one that I found endearing because of the teacher’s honesty.
While consulting with an administrator, teacher, and parent of a local provider I learned that most of the teachers in this facility did not want to follow ‘steps’ when disciplining children. They wanted to do what they knew would work. I asked the teacher to give me an example. She proceeded to share her technique in assisting a child in calming. As she described her style of discipline I chuckled and said, “YOU are doing IT!“ She asked, “what?” And I reminded her how she was following the exact steps of a training she had learned – but not only was she doing it, she was making it HER OWN!
After we all came together in agreement that the teacher was in fact transforming her classroom one discipline ‘step’ at a time – everyone agreed that the rest of the teachers could benefit from this same experience. We then worked on a plan that would not seem as prescriptive and might be interpreted differently.
Here’s what we came up with:
Step 1: Acknowledge the child’s feelings: “I can tell you are angry/sad/frustrated/upset/etc.” (whatever you think the child might be feeling)
Step 2: Remind the child of the limits: “Even when you are angry you may not (kick the door/scream/throw that).” fill in the blank
Step 3: Tell the child what is expected of them: “Once you are calm and have picked up the toys I will help you ________.”
Step 4: Remind the child when their behavior seems safer and you are ready to move forward. “There you go! You look a lot more relaxed and seem like your ready to go.”
These simple “steps” are part of the FLIP-It program. The exact same program I had trained the above staff on. Using the exact same words the teacher was using but saying she didn’t like to follow ‘steps’. 
Kinda funny how we get upset with children for not wanting to follow directions – yet we do the same thing and it’s O.K.
Just sayin’
Teacher Tuesday
8 FebA fun little post for my teacher friends. There are many of you out there. 
Last week, while observing a two-year-old classroom, I watched the teacher changing diapers – one after another. As she called each child to the changing table she would get different responses – “No!”, running away, laughing, or obedience. I watched her do this over and over, keeping calm throughout the entire fiasco. One by one each child had his/her own unique way of saying “I’m having fun over here!” Teacher remained calm. Twelve times she did this – twelve times she got flack from a chubby-cheeked little one who was too busy playing to stop and get cleaned up.
So – what’s so amazing about this?
The fact that she has to change all those diapers?
Nope.
It’s the fact that after all of that she was as relaxed as she could be. She didn’t feed into a single “No!”. She didn’t run after one child. She didn’t let their defiant little personalities get the best of her.
I praised her for this and she responded with a chuckle, “why would I argue with a baby?” I laughed back, “I have no idea. But people (including me) do it all the time!”
Have you been there? Have your kids screamed “NO!” when you told them it was bedtime? Do your students run in the opposite direction when you tell them to come in from recess? Has your teenager ignored curfew when it was clearly stated? Have you yelled up the stairs at your child “GO TO SLEEP!” when they are interrupted your favorite show?
It’s normal to want to fight back when we are interrupted from something we love – and even more irritating when we have to replace what we love with something we don’t love as much; ie: playing vs. diapers.
The outcome of the classroom was calmness. The teacher remained calm. She redirected or repeated her expectation and every child followed through. Each child received one on one attention with a tickle, song, or story while getting a diaper change. The family away from home was full of love.
THAT was a good day.
Watch your mouth! – part 2
24 JanContinued from previous post Watch your mouth!
3. Are you listening to their words? or their tone?
4. How old is your child? Crying & running is more common for younger children – yelling & hurtful-words are more common for older children – but either could happen at any age.
As parents we know our children better than anyone else. We know their triggers. They know ours. Teachers, unfortunately, never know what happened with the child prior to walking into the classroom. So, for a parent I would encourage you to let go of their words and listen to what they are saying – a good rule of thumb is however you are feeling when dealing with them, is exactly how they are feeling. You can start by saying, “You seem pretty frustrated with me.” My guess is that your child will come back with an earful for you – if you have the time (& don’t mind), ask them“What else is frustrating you?” then listen. Keep asking and listening until your child is done. If you don’t feel like getting bombed with statements on how awful you are simply say, “You can be frustrated – but you may not talk to me like that.” Then your job is to simply leave the room. If she follows you remind her that you will be willing to talk to her again when she is calm. The key here is repetition (consistency) and remaining calm (modeling). As soon as your child is calm let her know that you noticed. Ask her if she’s ready to talk. If she’s not, tell her where you will be so that when she’s ready you will all ears (giving the child control over the conversation). When she is ready - listen. We don’t have to agree with our children, but we do have to respect them.
If you have young children (under age 8 ) they are typically asking for attention and are learning to find a way to get their needs met. Most children, regardless of age, create patterns to get their needs met. If they create a negative pattern of attention at a young age, it is likely they will continue the pattern. Unless we teach them a new way. A new way includes redirection and clear expectations – however talking to a tantruming young child is similar to talking to a turtle – you’re not going to get far. Help your child calm - hold him, rock him, give him space. Whatever your child needs to calm, provide it as long as it is safe and you recognize calm when it arrives. Once the child is calm tell him exactly what you want him to do differently and give him the exact words to use.
As adults we have a tendency to think they “should know by now” – either because we have said “STOP” a thousand times or because we have given them a consequence. But sometimes, we just haven’t taught them a new skill.
This can be a hard habit to break. We are busy. We often have more than one child to deal with.
BUT…be persistent. Be clear. It is worth it and you deserve it. There are moments when your children will notice you and tell you:
You are mom favorite mom in the world! You are nice, pretty, fun, and the bravest, most hard-working mom that you could ever imagine … age 9
Watch your mouth!
17 JanOne of the most common questions I hear from parents is “How do I get my child to talk respectfully to me?” This causes a flood of questions in my head that I have not been able to teach or answer in a simple way. Here are a few things that pop up:
- What’s the history with your child? Are you expecting them to do something that you have not yet taught?
- What have you tried? Have you given the ol’ parent try “Don’t you talk to me like that young lady!” or “Watch your mouth!”?
- Are you listening to their words? or their tone?
- How old is your child? Crying & running is more common for younger children – yelling & hurtful-words are more common for older children – but either could happen at any age.
Let’s look at #1 & 2 - Have you taught them how you want them to speak to you? The easiest way a child can learn this is through personal experience – how we talk to them & our expectations. For example, I consulted with a teacher who would say “DON’T USE THAT HATEFUL TONE WITH ME!!” to students who were talking back. As we discussed this she said that she felt angry with them and she was not going to allow them to talk to her that way. My question to her addressed her voice tone with them. She felt certain that as the ‘adult’ she could talk to them in a more aggressive manner in order to get their attention – which she gained successfully, but without respect. I suggested that she describe her expectations to them “If you want to talk to me about this, I’m happy to listen. Please take a deep breath and start from the beginning.” This example gave the kids control with limitations. We practiced voice-tone & body language. After two days her students were responding more positively to her and each other. As the year progressed so did the connection with her students.
With parents I typically suggest they remind their child how to talk to them. “You may not speak to me/your brother/your Mom that way.” The key is using the EXACT same voice tone with your child as you want them to use with you. If you have a history of yelling, using hurtful words, or getting into arguments with your children, this one might take time. But you will never regret it.
Research shows that children (typically developed – without trauma) behave exactly as their parents have modeled.
My experience with parents shows that we are all human. You will try. You will fail. You have emotions and you are welcome to them. If you are frustrated, be frustrated – but it is your emotion, not your child’s. Take care of your emotions before responding to your child – if that becomes too difficult simply say, “I’m feeling angry right now. I’ll talk to you when I’m more calm.” And then run for the hills baby. . . just don’t forget to return.
to be continued. . .
“DON’T” listen to me
3 JanExperiment: I don’t want you to imagine your first kiss. That first bit of slobber and slime, bumping teeth and wishing that you could run away and still be cool. Don’t do it. It is in the past and there is no reason to remember it. Got it?
Raise your hand if you are imagining (or even tasting – blech!) that first kiss. . . anyone? I told you not to! I told you “don’t“ – twice. So why did you do it?
Because “don’t” is meaningless.
How does this translate to parenting? Well let me tell you a story. This one involves my sister – because she’s my sister I can throw her under the bus at anytime. It’s my gift to her.
Last week, during our Christmas celebration at our home, my sweet 4-year-old nephew was acting like a nut (aka 4 yrs old). My sister kept saying, “Don’t ____!” or “Stop ____!” Being the sweet-older-sister I explained to her that if she tells her son what she wants him to do instead, he would be more likely to follow through. Her response? I think she waved her hand at me and said, “I know.” and then proceeded to change the subject.
Too sweet to discipline.
My point is, if you want your child to listen to you, try telling him what you want him to do. For example, if you want him to stop hitting his sister, instead of saying, “Stop hitting your sister!” say “If you want her to leave you alone tell her ‘Please stop.’” Instead of, “Don’t talk to me like that!” try saying, “I know you’re upset, but you may not use that voice tone.” for adolescents you can take it one step further and say, “When you’re ready to talk calmly I’ll be waiting right here.” Then drop out of the conversation. If needed, keep repeating that phrase in the same voice tone.
You can do it. We. Are. Grown-ups!
Now, about that first kiss…
