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double take

19 May

An interesting part of parenting (for me) is the ‘forgive and forget’ portion.  I’m pretty good with the forgive – but forgetting, I often find myself returning to what I was originally stumped with and the process starts over – only now, instead of forgiving my child and the choice that was made, I also have to forgive myself for going there.  Vicious little cycle.

For example, a few days ago we were having a discussion with one of our children about recent behavior.  All went well – we decided on a consequence – and turned to forgiveness.  However, the next morning the same child asked me to bring something to school for ‘special music’ day.  After being asked if that would work in the middle of my day – my response was “I’m not sure.  I still feel pretty disappointed.”  My child’s face dropped and my heart sank.  It was the truth – but it seemed manipulative as soon as it came out of my mouth. 

After dropping off the kids at school, getting a run in, and eating a yummy breakfast – it hit me.   I was getting ready for work when I realized – when I turn to God after I’ve made a lousy decision  He does not say, “Hold on girl.  You think I’m going to listen to your boo hoo after what you did?  You think I’m going to give you what you want?”  Nope.  He just continues to love me.  He continues to respond with my next request, forgive me, and let go of my past. 

If I’m going to be a parent who shows love like Jesus shows me – I need to start somewhere – so I loaded up the instrument and drove it to the school where my surprised child forgave me with a hug, a BIG smile, and a “Thanks Mom. Love you!” as I got back in my car. 

Consequences

10 May

I talk a lot about discipline on this  blog of mine.  Some are personal disciplines. Some are imposed disciplines for my children.  Some are ideas for discipline strategies for your children.  But I’ve never really talked about the consequences of our lack of discipline.  Because my mind is typically jumping from one idea to another – I decided to list out my thoughts based on different disciplines I practice:

Running - I don’t have a lot of discipline when I run.  I have in the past and I watched my times and my endurance improve with each step.  I was pleased with my progress but then something happened – I ran three half-marathons in 6 weeks.  My body and my mind were fighting me.  By the third one I had my slowest time of 2010 and the only part of the race I enjoyed was the finish line.  It was brutal and felt as if I had wasted my time.  I gave myself the winter to regain my desire and strength.  This spring I have done little to bring my times back down where I want.  I ran a half in March that was a BLAST and it was one of my slowest times to date – but it was fun!  That reminded me that I do this for fun – I will not be an olympian – but I will LOVE it again.  Unfortunately my mind was not yet disciplined.  Last weekend I ran another half and had my third fastest time.  I did it with little training (I would not recommend).  But I walked away feeling ready to train & knowing that with discipline I would have broken my 2 hour goal.  This is when I realized I would have to live with my consequence.  Click HERE to see what exhaustion looks like (I really didn’t feel that bad).

**Frustrated because I have typed a great post that totally disappeared.  I guess we will both have to deal with what I was able to actually get published. ** 

shared response

3 May

I received the following email this morning – I wanted to share it because I think it holds true for all of us.  One day we have a sweet little baby and the next day we are living with a new being that makes us think “Do I know anything?” 

We have been struggling lately with good discipline that works.. Lately he’s been very sassy/not following directions.. Like sunday in church asking him to whisper/use inside voice ”i dont’ have to or dont’ use that word..  And taking things away doens’t seem to work either.. He loves to go visit my family’s farm after chuch so we told him if u whisper & be good in church then he’ll be able to go to the farm… Nothing seemed to work sunday..
 
Another new thing is running away from us in stores, not wanting to hold our hands in parking lots… OR sitting in the shopping cart..
 
I hope i these don’t sound silly or stupid.. Just trying to fiqure out what to do.. he just turned 3 & now everything that has worked before isn’t now..

Doesn’t sound stupid at all – sounds like parenting.
So here is my response.  (it’s long)
Let me start by saying – when I read the first part (way before knowing his age) I was laughing and thinking “this kid has GOT to be 3 years old!” and then you verified that.  Now, either I’m really good or your guy is really typical.  I’m going with the kid on this one. 
Lots of thoughts are running through my head so I will try and break them down:
1. Congratulations!  You are the proud parents of a 3 year old!
2. This doesn’t mean you let him do whatever he wants but you find a way to teach him at an age appropriate level.
3. By knowing his behavior is typical you can now forgive yourself (and him) for all of the behaviors and nasty thoughts about ‘why can’t my kid be normal?’ (just in case)
4. By knowing this you also know that he is moving into the stage of development where he knows you and your buttons – time to hide them. 
5. Empathy & Preparation are your best tools at this stage – and mostly from here on out.  Empathy – knowing it is hard to be 3 and sit through a church service.  Preparation – explaining the expectations of church and the consequences before you get there.  With both in tact he is more likely to behave because his brain knows what to expect.  Once we are in the middle of the situation it is already too hard to reverse. 
Keep in mind also, that public places are hard to parent: Do I spank? Do I remove? What if someone sees us? Is watching?
Seriously – don’t worry about others, we have all been there a thousand times. 
Also, if he is behaving appropriately in the first while of church give him a thumbs up or a hug – something that says “You’re doing it!” Maybe even prepare him for that as well – “When you see me give you a thumbs up like this (showing him) you know I’m saying “YAY! For you!!!” 
A few other things regarding preparation – in public places your job is to keep him safe – period – end of story.  He can stay safe with you by holding your hand or letting you carry him and ask him what he chooses.  Reinforce it with a high five, pinky hug, etc.  He’s still young enough to dig all of these hand things.  Same with the cart.  Also, as he gets older and too old for a cart you can start putting him to work – counting things, picking things out, looking at pictures of what you are going to buy, etc.  I managed it by simply refusing to take my kids shopping – avoidance works too. :-)  
A few other things regarding empathy – in public places it is SUPER stimulating for a small child – until about 8 years old they can’t think outside of themselves so it becomes our job to think outloud for them “I know you are going to want something when we go into Walmart.  Today is grocery day and I brought money for groceries.”  if he seems to ignore or not care you might want to verify with him “What is our money for today?” to make sure he gets it.  It is so hard! 
Also regarding empathy – try not to make his connections with family contingent on his behavior somewhere else.  This can cause frustration because it’s hard to sit still and he gets excited to go to the farm – see how those can be contradictory in a young brain?
The best consequences are the ones that are directly related to the behavior – sometimes we have to follow through.  I can tell you guys are great parents because of your curiosity and desire to do the right thing.  He’s a lucky kid. 
 

A big bowl full of PERSPECTIVE

28 Apr

A friend and I have been emailing this week about parenting ~ friends ~ life and she said she feels conflicted when she wants to get away for an evening or weekend with her girlfriends.  She works full-time, has young children at home, and a husband who enjoys being with her.  She is like most of us – pulled in every direction.   My response to her was to focus on her perspective when she needs a break. 

These kids are driving me crazy!

vs.

I’m a better mom when I take time for myself.

These kids are driving me crazy!- After working with parents for years I have heard many mommies say, “I can’t stand being around them!” or “I’m so tired of parenting.” or “I can’t do this anymore.” or “My kids drive me crazy!”.
As a professional counselor I am a mandated reporter – which means I report anything ‘suspect’ to abuse (including neglect or emotional).  Though I wouldn’t report any of those statements the first time I hear them, I key into the driving force behind them.  Is this mom suffering from something other than exhaustion (depression, anxiety, etc.)?  Is this mom unsure how to parent her children?  or Is this mom trying to say, “I could use a moment to myself.”?  Part of my job is help her define this and then address it.  Nine times out of ten, she needs a break.

I’m a better mom when I take time for myself.  This statement is the clarification of what we need as parents.  For me, personally, I have to be keenly aware of what I need without causing my family to suffer.  For example, last week I talked about my marathon a few years back.  Sure I did it.  Sure it was an accomplishment, but I was too immature at the time to recognize how much my family suffered from it.  I took time away from them to do what I wanted to do.  That was a lesson in love and in balance.  Now I realize I can be a great mom and take time for myself, I just schedule differently.  Now I run when no one is home, or when everyone is asleep.  Now I get my weekend away when I am going to a professional conference with hundreds of like-minded people or to a race with a friend.  Now I schedule a weekend with my husband when our children have made their own plans (this happens when your children get older – patience is the key here).  It  is what works for me. 

Parenting is in your perspective.  There is a lot of “honest” – “real” – “authentic” talk out there, but what concerns me is that we aren’t being “honest” if we are focusing on our children’s behaviors instead of our reaction to them.  As the adults we are in control of our reaction to them – not the other way around.

ADDED BONUS:  changing your perspective also reduces the feelings of guilt from “getting away from our children” or the thoughts we had about them.

If you are ready for a break, take one.  Just keep perspective.

worth 10 minutes

22 Apr

After attending a conference on aggressive children and trauma – I walked away with these two videos stuck in my head.  If you work with children in any capacity: parenting, foster parenting, grandparenting, teaching, counseling, caregiving, mentoring, etc.  I encourage you to spend 10 minutes watching these:

better than you treat me

8 Mar

When I was a child I remember a country song about ‘treating other people on the street better than you treat me” or something of that sort and would think, “that is just wrong!“ 

All of my life I’ve been in tune with the change that comes over people when someone outside of their family wants to communicate with them. 
When the phone rings while we’re yelling and we sweetly answer “Hello?”
When we talk to our friend’s children with more respect and encouragement than our own children.
When someone else’s husband hears our funny stories instead of our own husband.
When we complain about our own parents but never talk to them about it.

I believe there are plenty of reasons for this.
The person on the other end of the phone isn’t bugging us.
Our friend’s children aren’t disobeying us.
Our friend’s husband is a better listener at the time.
Our parents carry enough guilt from all the ways they messed up. (hahaha)

Regardless, I think we are setting our children up to resent us.

I have mentioned before that our children will value what we value.  So if we are valuing our relationship with someone else more than those we claim to ‘love more than anything’ what are we showing our children?  Sure, the people outside of our homes are not living what we are living, but our children are.  I can remember thinking, “Really?  You are going to be nice to HER but ignore ME?!?!” I was an emotional teenager – I assume my daughter will have the same affliction.  My mom was a great mom, but she didn’t hide the fact that she wanted us out of her face and to ‘shut the hell up!’.  I wish she would have.  I wish I would have been more important than the person on the phone.  I wish, if she needed a break, that she made time for herself.  But that’s not how it worked.

I have a few friends who are anxiously awaiting the moment when my children act crazy.  I’m a little sad by that, but I’m also thrilled by the challenge.  I hope I can hear what my children are saying.  I hope I remember what they need.  I hope I ignore the phone when it rings in order to respond to my child at that time.  So far so good – but I promise, if I need a break, I’m calling YOU!

Grandma’s furniture

7 Mar

A few years ago my grandparents both passed suddenly.  First Grandpa, and then 12 days later Grandma.  It was a tough time in my life.  I loved them more than any other person in my life.  They were the two people who saw my beauty, supported me, and gave me the love I deserved.  I chose a husband based on Grandpa’s love for me.  I laugh with my kids the way my grandparents laughed with us.  They set the tone for what life would be like for me and I am thankful. 

After they died the grandchildren went through the house chosing what we each wanted.  I’m not a sentimental person.  My memory rarely does a situation justice.  The furniture was tacky.  But I chose a few things.  I have a china hutch full of things I remember from my childhood – a chair that is fancy and painful to look at – a desk that is full of junk right now – a dining room table with 6 chairs (actually perfect for the basement) – and another chair that is hideous.  I really can’t stand them.  Initially I was ’keeping Grandma alive’.  Now I’m simply decorating with furniture from 1972. 

I started looking at the furniture the other day and thinking, “it served its purpose in time, but it doesn’t work for me” and realized.  That is how parenting works.  Sure, there were times when hitting your children was how you commanded respect.  That children were better off seen than heard.  That ’picking a switch’ meant you were going to get a whipping.  Those times served their purpose, but they don’t work for me. 

I’m not hear to argue spank v. not-to-spank, or to give a speech on the value of respect.  But I want to trigger a thought.  Was there a parenting technique your parents used that, though it stopped your behavior (out of fear, disrespect, or humiliation), you wish they never would have done?  I’m sure there is.  Now, I wonder Do you find yourself using that same technique? 

I’m guessing there is.  It’s common.  I often find my voice turning sarcastic when disciplining my children on smaller issues “Really? You think I’m your maid?” When a simple, ‘please put your plate in the dishwasher’ would suffice.   I remember my mom using that ‘technique’ and feeling humiliated.  Feeling like an awful child because I ‘could never do anything right’.  What part of that is helpful?  It was motivating, however when I forget to do something now – put iPod away and dog eats it – I feel awful and stupid. 

It’s okay to let go of what your parents said. 
It  just wasn’t working.

It’s okay to apologize and admit you are wrong.
It just wasn’t working.

It’s okay to get rid of Grandma’s furniture.
It  just wasn’t working.

Food for thought

17 Feb

From Zero to Three  - something to think about (and maybe elaborate):

Relationships are key:
As babies, the way we are held, talked to, and cared for teaches us about who we are and who we will become. Early experiences set a course for a lifelong process of discovery about ourselves and the world around us. Whether you are working directly with children or supervising a staff, your relationships with them are the key to success.

Questions:
What if the infant wasn’t held? talked to? cared for? – how do we help that child?
How has your early experience shaped your life?
What happens to our children when all of those things were given in infancy and then stopped? 
What happens to adults who aren’t held? talked to? or cared for?

I loved the statement about infants.  But I worry about our older children – our friends – our parents.

Relationships are key. Period. 

I hope you have a significant relationship. 
I hope your relationships with your children are strong.
I hope your relationship with your parents are healing if they need to be.
I hope you feel safe everyday of your life.
I hope you recognize your own needs and find a way to meet them.
I hope you continue to hold, talk to, and care for yourself and those you love.

Mommy lies – part 2

14 Feb

It happened again.
A mommy feels like she isn’t doing enough.
A mommy feels alone.
A mommy feels like she ‘should’ do better.
A mommy feels like she is letting everyone around her down.

I think it’s our own form of torment. 
We read about other people’s lives and believe them to be something bigger than they are.  But they are just like you – human.
We hear about someone elses accomplishments and believe we have nothing to offer. But we do – love.
We see those who are proud of their children and tell of their great abilities while wiping snot from our own child’s faces. 
Friends will tell great stories of parenting.  You have them too.
Children will scream at you for disciplining them.  It’s okay – that’s your job. Good for you.

When we make it bigger than it is – that is our own doing. 

I want to be upfront with you.  It will be a rare moment when you hear me complain about my children or my husband.  Not because I don’t feel it - but because it doesn’t hold much value in my eyes. 

A few years ago I learned the statement, “What you focus on you get more of.”  For example, if I focus on my children’s misbehavior I’m going to see a lot more misbehavior.  If I focus on the fact that my husband hasn’t done a load of laundry in a few weeks, I’m going to become frustrated with him or laundry (like I really love laundry on a typical day).  On the flip side, if I focus on the behaviors and my expectations for my children, they are more likely to exhibit those behaviors.  If I thank my husband for emptying the dishwasher, he might do a load of laundry (oh God please!!).  

What you value – your family will value. 
And I value my family. 

Now.  Stop telling yourself who is perfect (that mom up the street who is always playing with her kids) and who is not (you sitting in your jammies reading this blog – oh wait. that’s me typing this thing!).

Happy Valentine’s Day – now go love yourself! :-)

Teacher Tuesday

8 Feb

A fun little post for my teacher friends.  There are many of you out there. ;-)

Last week, while observing a two-year-old classroom, I watched the teacher changing diapers – one after another.  As she called each child to the changing table she would get different responses – “No!”, running away, laughing, or obedience.   I watched her do this over and over, keeping calm throughout the entire fiasco.  One by one each child had his/her own unique way of saying “I’m having fun over here!”  Teacher remained calm.  Twelve times she did this – twelve times she got flack from a chubby-cheeked little one who was too busy playing to stop and get cleaned up. 

So – what’s so amazing about this? 
The fact that she has to change all those diapers?  
Nope. 
It’s the fact that after all of that she was as relaxed as she could be.  She didn’t feed into a single “No!”.  She didn’t run after one child.  She didn’t let their defiant little personalities get the best of her. 

I praised her for this and she responded with a chuckle, “why would I argue with a baby?”  I laughed back, “I have no idea.  But people (including me) do it all the time!” 

Have you been there?  Have your kids screamed “NO!” when you told them it was bedtime?  Do your students run in the opposite direction when you tell them to come in from recess?  Has your teenager ignored curfew when it was clearly stated?  Have you yelled up the stairs at your child “GO TO SLEEP!” when they are interrupted your favorite show?  

It’s normal to want to fight back when we are interrupted from something we love – and even more irritating when we have to replace what we love with something we don’t love as much; ie: playing vs. diapers.  

The outcome of the classroom was calmness.  The teacher remained calm. She redirected or repeated her expectation and every child followed through.  Each child received one on one attention with a tickle, song, or story while getting a diaper change.  The family away from home was full of love. 

THAT was a good day.

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