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A big bowl full of PERSPECTIVE

28 Apr

A friend and I have been emailing this week about parenting ~ friends ~ life and she said she feels conflicted when she wants to get away for an evening or weekend with her girlfriends.  She works full-time, has young children at home, and a husband who enjoys being with her.  She is like most of us – pulled in every direction.   My response to her was to focus on her perspective when she needs a break. 

These kids are driving me crazy!

vs.

I’m a better mom when I take time for myself.

These kids are driving me crazy!- After working with parents for years I have heard many mommies say, “I can’t stand being around them!” or “I’m so tired of parenting.” or “I can’t do this anymore.” or “My kids drive me crazy!”.
As a professional counselor I am a mandated reporter – which means I report anything ‘suspect’ to abuse (including neglect or emotional).  Though I wouldn’t report any of those statements the first time I hear them, I key into the driving force behind them.  Is this mom suffering from something other than exhaustion (depression, anxiety, etc.)?  Is this mom unsure how to parent her children?  or Is this mom trying to say, “I could use a moment to myself.”?  Part of my job is help her define this and then address it.  Nine times out of ten, she needs a break.

I’m a better mom when I take time for myself.  This statement is the clarification of what we need as parents.  For me, personally, I have to be keenly aware of what I need without causing my family to suffer.  For example, last week I talked about my marathon a few years back.  Sure I did it.  Sure it was an accomplishment, but I was too immature at the time to recognize how much my family suffered from it.  I took time away from them to do what I wanted to do.  That was a lesson in love and in balance.  Now I realize I can be a great mom and take time for myself, I just schedule differently.  Now I run when no one is home, or when everyone is asleep.  Now I get my weekend away when I am going to a professional conference with hundreds of like-minded people or to a race with a friend.  Now I schedule a weekend with my husband when our children have made their own plans (this happens when your children get older – patience is the key here).  It  is what works for me. 

Parenting is in your perspective.  There is a lot of “honest” – “real” – “authentic” talk out there, but what concerns me is that we aren’t being “honest” if we are focusing on our children’s behaviors instead of our reaction to them.  As the adults we are in control of our reaction to them – not the other way around.

ADDED BONUS:  changing your perspective also reduces the feelings of guilt from “getting away from our children” or the thoughts we had about them.

If you are ready for a break, take one.  Just keep perspective.

better than you treat me

8 Mar

When I was a child I remember a country song about ‘treating other people on the street better than you treat me” or something of that sort and would think, “that is just wrong!“ 

All of my life I’ve been in tune with the change that comes over people when someone outside of their family wants to communicate with them. 
When the phone rings while we’re yelling and we sweetly answer “Hello?”
When we talk to our friend’s children with more respect and encouragement than our own children.
When someone else’s husband hears our funny stories instead of our own husband.
When we complain about our own parents but never talk to them about it.

I believe there are plenty of reasons for this.
The person on the other end of the phone isn’t bugging us.
Our friend’s children aren’t disobeying us.
Our friend’s husband is a better listener at the time.
Our parents carry enough guilt from all the ways they messed up. (hahaha)

Regardless, I think we are setting our children up to resent us.

I have mentioned before that our children will value what we value.  So if we are valuing our relationship with someone else more than those we claim to ‘love more than anything’ what are we showing our children?  Sure, the people outside of our homes are not living what we are living, but our children are.  I can remember thinking, “Really?  You are going to be nice to HER but ignore ME?!?!” I was an emotional teenager – I assume my daughter will have the same affliction.  My mom was a great mom, but she didn’t hide the fact that she wanted us out of her face and to ‘shut the hell up!’.  I wish she would have.  I wish I would have been more important than the person on the phone.  I wish, if she needed a break, that she made time for herself.  But that’s not how it worked.

I have a few friends who are anxiously awaiting the moment when my children act crazy.  I’m a little sad by that, but I’m also thrilled by the challenge.  I hope I can hear what my children are saying.  I hope I remember what they need.  I hope I ignore the phone when it rings in order to respond to my child at that time.  So far so good – but I promise, if I need a break, I’m calling YOU!

Teacher Tuesday

8 Feb

A fun little post for my teacher friends.  There are many of you out there. ;-)

Last week, while observing a two-year-old classroom, I watched the teacher changing diapers – one after another.  As she called each child to the changing table she would get different responses – “No!”, running away, laughing, or obedience.   I watched her do this over and over, keeping calm throughout the entire fiasco.  One by one each child had his/her own unique way of saying “I’m having fun over here!”  Teacher remained calm.  Twelve times she did this – twelve times she got flack from a chubby-cheeked little one who was too busy playing to stop and get cleaned up. 

So – what’s so amazing about this? 
The fact that she has to change all those diapers?  
Nope. 
It’s the fact that after all of that she was as relaxed as she could be.  She didn’t feed into a single “No!”.  She didn’t run after one child.  She didn’t let their defiant little personalities get the best of her. 

I praised her for this and she responded with a chuckle, “why would I argue with a baby?”  I laughed back, “I have no idea.  But people (including me) do it all the time!” 

Have you been there?  Have your kids screamed “NO!” when you told them it was bedtime?  Do your students run in the opposite direction when you tell them to come in from recess?  Has your teenager ignored curfew when it was clearly stated?  Have you yelled up the stairs at your child “GO TO SLEEP!” when they are interrupted your favorite show?  

It’s normal to want to fight back when we are interrupted from something we love – and even more irritating when we have to replace what we love with something we don’t love as much; ie: playing vs. diapers.  

The outcome of the classroom was calmness.  The teacher remained calm. She redirected or repeated her expectation and every child followed through.  Each child received one on one attention with a tickle, song, or story while getting a diaper change.  The family away from home was full of love. 

THAT was a good day.

Watch your mouth!

17 Jan

One of the most common questions I hear from parents is “How do I get my child to talk respectfully to me?”  This causes a flood of questions in my head that I have not been able to teach or answer in a simple way.  Here are a few things that pop up:

  1. What’s the history with your child?  Are you expecting them to do something that you have not yet taught?
  2. What have you tried?  Have you given the ol’ parent try “Don’t you talk to me like that young lady!” or “Watch your mouth!”?
  3. Are you listening to their words?  or their tone? 
  4. How old is your child?  Crying & running is more common for younger children – yelling & hurtful-words are more common for older children – but either could happen at any age. 

Let’s look at #1 & 2 - Have you taught them how you want them to speak to you?  The easiest way a child can learn this is through personal experience – how we talk to them & our expectations.  For example, I consulted with a teacher who would say “DON’T USE THAT HATEFUL TONE WITH ME!!” to students who were talking back.   As we discussed this she said that she felt angry with them and she was not going to allow them to talk to her that way.  My question to her addressed her voice tone with them.  She felt certain that as the ‘adult’ she could talk to them in a more aggressive manner in order to get their attention – which she gained successfully, but without respect.   I suggested that she describe her expectations to them “If you want to talk to me about this, I’m happy to listen.  Please take a deep breath and start from the beginning.”   This example gave the kids control with limitations.   We practiced voice-tone & body language.  After two days her students were responding more positively to her and each other.  As the year progressed so did the connection with her students. 

With parents I typically suggest they remind their child how to talk to them.  “You may not speak to me/your brother/your Mom that way.” The key is using the EXACT same voice tone with your child as you want them to use with you.  If you have a history of yelling, using hurtful words, or getting into arguments with your children, this one might take time.  But you will never regret it.  

Research shows that children (typically developed – without trauma) behave exactly as their parents have modeled.

My experience with parents shows that we are all human.  You will try.  You will fail.  You have emotions and you are welcome to them.  If you are frustrated, be frustrated – but it is your emotion, not your child’s.  Take care of your emotions before responding to your child – if that becomes too difficult simply say, “I’m feeling angry right now.  I’ll talk to you when I’m more calm.”  And then run for the hills baby. . . just don’t forget to return.

to be continued. . .

Seeing the future

10 Jan

Have you ever had one of those parenting moments when you are certain it will be one of the mistakes that will come back to haunt you again and again?

I think we have.

This winter our son wanted to play 8th grade basketball.  We said, “No”.  Why?  He’s never played basketball – not once.  He’s a swimmer – we already paid for that.  He’s really good at swimming – I like watching him swim.  I was afraid of watching him fail and going through the harassment he went through on his 7th grade football team.   Yes.  This decision was more about us and our belief that we could protect him, than about giving him a chance and living with the consequences – good or bad.  

I don’t think I’m the only parent who does this.  I see parents stand-up for their children all of the time out of “protection”.  I remember reading a story of a mom in Texas who murdered a high school girl who made the cheerleading squad when her own daughter didn’t.  I watched Kate + 8 leave Alaska during their camping trip with the Palin’s because the weather didn’t suit her.  I have watched countless parents pull their children out of school settings – preschool up to college – out of protection.  I get it.  I want to be comfortable.  I want my kids to win.  I never want them to feel an ounce of pain.  But I don’t know if that is realistic. 

Now that a month has passed, I want to take back our decision.  I want to let him go out for basketball.  I want him to feel the joy of winning or the sting of not making the team.  I want him to experience life all on his own. 

If I were to be completely honest – I think we were playing God.  Maybe by us stepping in, we told God “we don’t think you can handle this one“.  Or maybe God had bigger plans that we will never come to know.

Whatever the case – daily I am reminded that we missed a learning opportunity – and that makes me sad.   But that’s part of our consequence of thinking we are in control.  Our son is now getting burned-out on swimming.  He comes home and shoots baskets in the driveway after school – building a skill-base.   And I sit back and question whether we made the right decision.

I know what I’m doing.  I have it all planned out – plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.  Jeremiah 29:11

This is easy. . .

5 Jan

A little something from a previous blog. 

Parenting can be simple with two basic points to remember:

  1. Connection - children who are more connected (feel loved, bonded, safe – emotionally & physically) are more likely to behave and want to be with their families.   Whether you have a 2-year-old tantrum or a 13-year-old screaming they are asking the same question, “Do you love me?”  Our job is to answer “YES! with all my heart”.

  2. It’s not about you – as soon as we feel the jolt of a nasty glare, a bite, a snarky remark - we tend to believe we are the victims.  Children misbehave when they feel misunderstood or alone.  They deserve our empathy – especially the children we were designed to care for.  It is our duty as parents to put aside the guilt, history, lack of support, whatever is holding you back, and love them for all their imperfections.

I believe these words everyday.

I try to live by these words.

Our children are telling us exactly what they need. 

Maybe it’s time we listen.

Too cool?

4 Jan

Is there such a thing?  Can one be too cool?  Can one be not-cool-enough?

Too Cool

I don’t think so.  But. . .I think there are a lot of people who do. 

Where did we get the idea or belief that we can decide who/what our children are?  At what point did we think we could create a human and then control that human?  It’s probably part of our mixed up need for control.  Our need for control sometimes comes from having been controlled.  Having been controlled could have stemmed from our parents fear of what others think.  And so goes the story – back, back, back – until we have lost all sense of who we are and what we were created to be.

My husband and I often talk about the differing personalities of our children.  Both love music – one plays loud while the other sings loud.  Both have an amazing sense of humor – one is super funny while the other is a bit more witty.  Both are intelligent – one excels at math & science while the other one prefers the arts and reading.  And they both have very specific fashion sense for their distinct personalities – but you know what happens?  They spend all weekend being themselves and then walk out the door Monday – Friday dressed & acting to blend in with the crowd.  Who made these rules?  Who placed other children in charge of mine?  Who decided what is cool and uncool? 

As a parent I want my children to embrace who they are – whatever they feel like wearing – and be exactly who they were created to be.  But I’m a horrible example of this.  During Christmas break I ordered 3 pair of high-heeled shoes – THREE PAIR!!  I see them with the skinny jeans (cute), I see them on friends (hott), and I see them in the stores (fashion).  I want that!  I want to be cute, hott, and fashionable.  You know what?  Those shoes were cute, and hott, and fashionable.  But they weren’t ME!  Not that I can’t be those, but I prefer comfort over style. every. single. day.  And the truth is, I KNOW this!!  I know who I am.  But I still wanted to be cool.  Let me tell you, there’s nothing cooler than a 40+ yr. old mom asking her family to walk slowly in church so she doesn’t fall on her face while wearing those super cool shoes.   Not that I would know.

But this isn’t about my inability to walk in heels. It’s about the right to be who we are & love who we are.  Whether we have a ring in our nose, tattoos on our body, or jeans and a t-shirt – what if we loved the person? What if, when your son says, “I really want some skinny jeans.”  We simply gave him skinny jeans instead of questioning whether he would wear them “are you sure?” and why he would want them “they don’t look very comfortable”.

This post isn’t about skinny jeans though either.  This is about looking at our children and seeing who they are.  Embracing who they are.  Loving who they are.  Isn’t that what we all want?

So there you have it.  This post is simple.  Love your children and accept them for who they are.

“DON’T” listen to me

3 Jan

Experiment:  I don’t want you to imagine your first kiss.  That first bit of slobber and slime, bumping teeth and wishing that you could run away and still be cool.  Don’t do it.  It is in the past and there is no reason to remember it.  Got it?

Raise your hand if you are imagining (or even tasting – blech!) that first kiss. . . anyone?  I told you not to!  I told you “don’t“ – twice.  So why did you do it? 

Because “don’t” is meaningless. 

How does this translate to parenting?  Well let me tell you a story.  This one involves my sister – because she’s my sister I can throw her under the bus at anytime.  It’s my gift to her. 

Last week, during our Christmas celebration at our home, my sweet 4-year-old nephew was acting like a nut (aka 4 yrs old).  My sister kept saying, “Don’t ____!”  or “Stop ____!” Being the sweet-older-sister I explained to her that if she tells her son what she wants him to do instead, he would be more likely to follow through.  Her response?  I think she waved her hand at me and said, “I know.”  and then proceeded to change the subject. 

Too sweet to discipline.

My point is, if you want your child to listen to you, try telling him what you want him to do.  For example, if you want him to stop hitting his sister, instead of saying, “Stop hitting your sister!” say “If you want her to leave you alone tell her ‘Please stop.’”  Instead of, “Don’t talk to me like that!” try saying, “I know you’re upset, but you may not use that voice tone.” for adolescents you can take it one step further and say, “When you’re ready to talk calmly I’ll be waiting right here.”  Then drop out of the conversation.  If needed, keep repeating that phrase in the same voice tone. 

You can do it.  We. Are. Grown-ups!

Now, about that first kiss…

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