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shared response

3 May

I received the following email this morning – I wanted to share it because I think it holds true for all of us.  One day we have a sweet little baby and the next day we are living with a new being that makes us think “Do I know anything?” 

We have been struggling lately with good discipline that works.. Lately he’s been very sassy/not following directions.. Like sunday in church asking him to whisper/use inside voice ”i dont’ have to or dont’ use that word..  And taking things away doens’t seem to work either.. He loves to go visit my family’s farm after chuch so we told him if u whisper & be good in church then he’ll be able to go to the farm… Nothing seemed to work sunday..
 
Another new thing is running away from us in stores, not wanting to hold our hands in parking lots… OR sitting in the shopping cart..
 
I hope i these don’t sound silly or stupid.. Just trying to fiqure out what to do.. he just turned 3 & now everything that has worked before isn’t now..

Doesn’t sound stupid at all – sounds like parenting.
So here is my response.  (it’s long)
Let me start by saying – when I read the first part (way before knowing his age) I was laughing and thinking “this kid has GOT to be 3 years old!” and then you verified that.  Now, either I’m really good or your guy is really typical.  I’m going with the kid on this one. 
Lots of thoughts are running through my head so I will try and break them down:
1. Congratulations!  You are the proud parents of a 3 year old!
2. This doesn’t mean you let him do whatever he wants but you find a way to teach him at an age appropriate level.
3. By knowing his behavior is typical you can now forgive yourself (and him) for all of the behaviors and nasty thoughts about ‘why can’t my kid be normal?’ (just in case)
4. By knowing this you also know that he is moving into the stage of development where he knows you and your buttons – time to hide them. 
5. Empathy & Preparation are your best tools at this stage – and mostly from here on out.  Empathy – knowing it is hard to be 3 and sit through a church service.  Preparation – explaining the expectations of church and the consequences before you get there.  With both in tact he is more likely to behave because his brain knows what to expect.  Once we are in the middle of the situation it is already too hard to reverse. 
Keep in mind also, that public places are hard to parent: Do I spank? Do I remove? What if someone sees us? Is watching?
Seriously – don’t worry about others, we have all been there a thousand times. 
Also, if he is behaving appropriately in the first while of church give him a thumbs up or a hug – something that says “You’re doing it!” Maybe even prepare him for that as well – “When you see me give you a thumbs up like this (showing him) you know I’m saying “YAY! For you!!!” 
A few other things regarding preparation – in public places your job is to keep him safe – period – end of story.  He can stay safe with you by holding your hand or letting you carry him and ask him what he chooses.  Reinforce it with a high five, pinky hug, etc.  He’s still young enough to dig all of these hand things.  Same with the cart.  Also, as he gets older and too old for a cart you can start putting him to work – counting things, picking things out, looking at pictures of what you are going to buy, etc.  I managed it by simply refusing to take my kids shopping – avoidance works too. :-)  
A few other things regarding empathy – in public places it is SUPER stimulating for a small child – until about 8 years old they can’t think outside of themselves so it becomes our job to think outloud for them “I know you are going to want something when we go into Walmart.  Today is grocery day and I brought money for groceries.”  if he seems to ignore or not care you might want to verify with him “What is our money for today?” to make sure he gets it.  It is so hard! 
Also regarding empathy – try not to make his connections with family contingent on his behavior somewhere else.  This can cause frustration because it’s hard to sit still and he gets excited to go to the farm – see how those can be contradictory in a young brain?
The best consequences are the ones that are directly related to the behavior – sometimes we have to follow through.  I can tell you guys are great parents because of your curiosity and desire to do the right thing.  He’s a lucky kid. 
 

Food for thought

17 Feb

From Zero to Three  - something to think about (and maybe elaborate):

Relationships are key:
As babies, the way we are held, talked to, and cared for teaches us about who we are and who we will become. Early experiences set a course for a lifelong process of discovery about ourselves and the world around us. Whether you are working directly with children or supervising a staff, your relationships with them are the key to success.

Questions:
What if the infant wasn’t held? talked to? cared for? – how do we help that child?
How has your early experience shaped your life?
What happens to our children when all of those things were given in infancy and then stopped? 
What happens to adults who aren’t held? talked to? or cared for?

I loved the statement about infants.  But I worry about our older children – our friends – our parents.

Relationships are key. Period. 

I hope you have a significant relationship. 
I hope your relationships with your children are strong.
I hope your relationship with your parents are healing if they need to be.
I hope you feel safe everyday of your life.
I hope you recognize your own needs and find a way to meet them.
I hope you continue to hold, talk to, and care for yourself and those you love.

Teacher Tuesday

8 Feb

A fun little post for my teacher friends.  There are many of you out there. ;-)

Last week, while observing a two-year-old classroom, I watched the teacher changing diapers – one after another.  As she called each child to the changing table she would get different responses – “No!”, running away, laughing, or obedience.   I watched her do this over and over, keeping calm throughout the entire fiasco.  One by one each child had his/her own unique way of saying “I’m having fun over here!”  Teacher remained calm.  Twelve times she did this – twelve times she got flack from a chubby-cheeked little one who was too busy playing to stop and get cleaned up. 

So – what’s so amazing about this? 
The fact that she has to change all those diapers?  
Nope. 
It’s the fact that after all of that she was as relaxed as she could be.  She didn’t feed into a single “No!”.  She didn’t run after one child.  She didn’t let their defiant little personalities get the best of her. 

I praised her for this and she responded with a chuckle, “why would I argue with a baby?”  I laughed back, “I have no idea.  But people (including me) do it all the time!” 

Have you been there?  Have your kids screamed “NO!” when you told them it was bedtime?  Do your students run in the opposite direction when you tell them to come in from recess?  Has your teenager ignored curfew when it was clearly stated?  Have you yelled up the stairs at your child “GO TO SLEEP!” when they are interrupted your favorite show?  

It’s normal to want to fight back when we are interrupted from something we love – and even more irritating when we have to replace what we love with something we don’t love as much; ie: playing vs. diapers.  

The outcome of the classroom was calmness.  The teacher remained calm. She redirected or repeated her expectation and every child followed through.  Each child received one on one attention with a tickle, song, or story while getting a diaper change.  The family away from home was full of love. 

THAT was a good day.

A scary scene

8 Jan

This is a story from October 29, 2010.  I haven’t shared it before because I have a hard time telling it without becoming too worked up. 

My husband and I were shopping for last-minute Halloween stuff (candy, glue, batteries, you know – stuff) in a local discount store.  Typically, in this specific store, I to go into stealth-mode and pretend I can’t hear children screaming, parents threatening, and grandparents condoning.  It is a coping strategy I developed to protect my own family from on-the-spot counseling sessions.  Let’s just say I could fill my caseload in 3 hours by standing at the door of this store. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah. . .

typically I can shut off my sensor.  This day was different.  From a few aisles away I could hear a baby screaming.  Not the I-am-hungry/tired/bored-screaming, but TERROR.  My insides started to get jumbled.  I started calmly glancing down each aisle to see where the baby was.  As we came to the aisle with the baby I witnessed two adults – one with a scary terrifying mask on – one laughing hysterically – standing in front of a baby (10-14 mos old.).  The baby was out-of-control screaming.   I could see the baby shaking as the two adults continued to scare the child with the mask.  Apparently I froze.  Both glanced up at me and my husband reached back for me.  I was crying and could only say, “Why would someone do that?”  He responded, “because they don’t know better yet.” (he’s a really smart guy) 

It took everything I had to leave the store without ripping into those people (helpful – I know).  And it took a few days of lecturing my husband on the effects of terror and the brain before I could move on. 

Here’s the deal.  Scaring a young child damages their brain.  Seriously.  The safety receptors in the brain are damaged and cannot be repaired.  The younger a child is, the less likely we (adults) can recognize what part of the brain was actually damaged until they are much older.  By that time we have forgotten what could have happened to make the child behave in  such a way. 

Here’s my best analogy – let’s say you have a friend who is a police officer.  He dresses like a police officer, he drives a police car, he carries a gun.  You feel safe knowing he is on duty.  But then one day he comes to your house wearing street clothes and pointing his gun at you and laughing.  The very thing that has kept you feeling safe all of these years, is now the enemy.  As an adult you might forgive him or laugh it off. But I’m guessing you would question his intentions and safety.  Later you may have physical reactions (sweat, flush, heart racing) when you see him or another officer.  As an adult I have had 496 months of experience in coping with stress and scary situations and I’m sure the officer would not be allowed back in my house. 

The baby I witnessed was young.  Very few months of coping with scary situations.  The baby doesn’t have the ability to choose whether those adults are around.  The baby doesn’t have any choice but to trust the very person who is in charge of keeping them safe.

I wonder.  How often do we use scary actions, voice-tones, words, or faces to get our point across to our children?  Are we putting on a mask that we can easily remove, but will be engrained in our child’s mind forever?   Or are we simply scaring our children for our entertainment?

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