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A big bowl full of PERSPECTIVE

28 Apr

A friend and I have been emailing this week about parenting ~ friends ~ life and she said she feels conflicted when she wants to get away for an evening or weekend with her girlfriends.  She works full-time, has young children at home, and a husband who enjoys being with her.  She is like most of us – pulled in every direction.   My response to her was to focus on her perspective when she needs a break. 

These kids are driving me crazy!

vs.

I’m a better mom when I take time for myself.

These kids are driving me crazy!- After working with parents for years I have heard many mommies say, “I can’t stand being around them!” or “I’m so tired of parenting.” or “I can’t do this anymore.” or “My kids drive me crazy!”.
As a professional counselor I am a mandated reporter – which means I report anything ‘suspect’ to abuse (including neglect or emotional).  Though I wouldn’t report any of those statements the first time I hear them, I key into the driving force behind them.  Is this mom suffering from something other than exhaustion (depression, anxiety, etc.)?  Is this mom unsure how to parent her children?  or Is this mom trying to say, “I could use a moment to myself.”?  Part of my job is help her define this and then address it.  Nine times out of ten, she needs a break.

I’m a better mom when I take time for myself.  This statement is the clarification of what we need as parents.  For me, personally, I have to be keenly aware of what I need without causing my family to suffer.  For example, last week I talked about my marathon a few years back.  Sure I did it.  Sure it was an accomplishment, but I was too immature at the time to recognize how much my family suffered from it.  I took time away from them to do what I wanted to do.  That was a lesson in love and in balance.  Now I realize I can be a great mom and take time for myself, I just schedule differently.  Now I run when no one is home, or when everyone is asleep.  Now I get my weekend away when I am going to a professional conference with hundreds of like-minded people or to a race with a friend.  Now I schedule a weekend with my husband when our children have made their own plans (this happens when your children get older – patience is the key here).  It  is what works for me. 

Parenting is in your perspective.  There is a lot of “honest” – “real” – “authentic” talk out there, but what concerns me is that we aren’t being “honest” if we are focusing on our children’s behaviors instead of our reaction to them.  As the adults we are in control of our reaction to them – not the other way around.

ADDED BONUS:  changing your perspective also reduces the feelings of guilt from “getting away from our children” or the thoughts we had about them.

If you are ready for a break, take one.  Just keep perspective.

Teacher Tuesday

8 Feb

A fun little post for my teacher friends.  There are many of you out there. ;-)

Last week, while observing a two-year-old classroom, I watched the teacher changing diapers – one after another.  As she called each child to the changing table she would get different responses – “No!”, running away, laughing, or obedience.   I watched her do this over and over, keeping calm throughout the entire fiasco.  One by one each child had his/her own unique way of saying “I’m having fun over here!”  Teacher remained calm.  Twelve times she did this – twelve times she got flack from a chubby-cheeked little one who was too busy playing to stop and get cleaned up. 

So – what’s so amazing about this? 
The fact that she has to change all those diapers?  
Nope. 
It’s the fact that after all of that she was as relaxed as she could be.  She didn’t feed into a single “No!”.  She didn’t run after one child.  She didn’t let their defiant little personalities get the best of her. 

I praised her for this and she responded with a chuckle, “why would I argue with a baby?”  I laughed back, “I have no idea.  But people (including me) do it all the time!” 

Have you been there?  Have your kids screamed “NO!” when you told them it was bedtime?  Do your students run in the opposite direction when you tell them to come in from recess?  Has your teenager ignored curfew when it was clearly stated?  Have you yelled up the stairs at your child “GO TO SLEEP!” when they are interrupted your favorite show?  

It’s normal to want to fight back when we are interrupted from something we love – and even more irritating when we have to replace what we love with something we don’t love as much; ie: playing vs. diapers.  

The outcome of the classroom was calmness.  The teacher remained calm. She redirected or repeated her expectation and every child followed through.  Each child received one on one attention with a tickle, song, or story while getting a diaper change.  The family away from home was full of love. 

THAT was a good day.

Watch your mouth! – part 2

24 Jan
Continued from previous post Watch your mouth!
3.  Are you listening to their words?  or their tone? 
4. How old is your child?  Crying & running is more common for younger children – yelling & hurtful-words are more common for older children – but either could happen at any age. 
As parents we know our children better than anyone else.  We know their triggers. They know ours.  Teachers, unfortunately, never know what happened with the child prior to walking into the classroom.   So, for a parent I would encourage you to let go of their words and listen to what they are saying – a good rule of thumb is however you are feeling when dealing with them, is exactly how they are feeling.  You can start by saying, “You seem pretty frustrated with me.”  My guess is that your child will come back with an earful for you – if you have the time (& don’t mind), ask them“What else is frustrating you?” then listen. Keep asking and listening until your child is done.  If you don’t feel like getting bombed with statements on how awful you are simply say, “You can be frustrated – but you may not talk to me like that.”  Then your job is to simply leave the room.  If she follows you remind her that you will be willing to talk to her again when she is calm.  The key here is repetition (consistency) and remaining calm (modeling).  As soon as your child is calm let her know that you noticed.  Ask her if she’s ready to talk.  If she’s not, tell her where you will be so that when she’s ready you will all ears (giving the child control over the conversation).  When she is ready - listen.  We don’t have to agree with our children, but we do have to respect them.
If you have young children (under age 8 ) they are typically asking for attention and are learning to find a way to get their needs met.  Most children, regardless of age, create patterns to get their needs met.   If they create a negative pattern of attention at a young age, it is likely they will continue the pattern. Unless we teach them a new way.  A new way includes redirection and clear expectations – however talking to a tantruming young child is similar to talking to a turtle – you’re not going to get far.  Help your child calm - hold him, rock him, give him space.  Whatever your child needs to calm, provide it as long as it is safe and you recognize calm when it arrives.  Once the child is calm tell him exactly what you want him to do differently and give him the exact words to use. 
As adults we have a tendency to think they “should know by now” – either because we have said “STOP” a thousand times or because we have given them a consequence.  But sometimes, we just haven’t taught them a new skill.  
This can be a hard habit to break.  We are busy.  We often have more than one child to deal with. 
BUT…be persistent.  Be clear.  It is worth it and you deserve it.  There are moments when your children will notice you and tell you:
You are mom favorite mom in the world!  You are nice, pretty, fun, and the bravest, most hard-working mom that you could ever imagine …    age 9

 

This is easy. . .

5 Jan

A little something from a previous blog. 

Parenting can be simple with two basic points to remember:

  1. Connection - children who are more connected (feel loved, bonded, safe – emotionally & physically) are more likely to behave and want to be with their families.   Whether you have a 2-year-old tantrum or a 13-year-old screaming they are asking the same question, “Do you love me?”  Our job is to answer “YES! with all my heart”.

  2. It’s not about you – as soon as we feel the jolt of a nasty glare, a bite, a snarky remark - we tend to believe we are the victims.  Children misbehave when they feel misunderstood or alone.  They deserve our empathy – especially the children we were designed to care for.  It is our duty as parents to put aside the guilt, history, lack of support, whatever is holding you back, and love them for all their imperfections.

I believe these words everyday.

I try to live by these words.

Our children are telling us exactly what they need. 

Maybe it’s time we listen.

“DON’T” listen to me

3 Jan

Experiment:  I don’t want you to imagine your first kiss.  That first bit of slobber and slime, bumping teeth and wishing that you could run away and still be cool.  Don’t do it.  It is in the past and there is no reason to remember it.  Got it?

Raise your hand if you are imagining (or even tasting – blech!) that first kiss. . . anyone?  I told you not to!  I told you “don’t“ – twice.  So why did you do it? 

Because “don’t” is meaningless. 

How does this translate to parenting?  Well let me tell you a story.  This one involves my sister – because she’s my sister I can throw her under the bus at anytime.  It’s my gift to her. 

Last week, during our Christmas celebration at our home, my sweet 4-year-old nephew was acting like a nut (aka 4 yrs old).  My sister kept saying, “Don’t ____!”  or “Stop ____!” Being the sweet-older-sister I explained to her that if she tells her son what she wants him to do instead, he would be more likely to follow through.  Her response?  I think she waved her hand at me and said, “I know.”  and then proceeded to change the subject. 

Too sweet to discipline.

My point is, if you want your child to listen to you, try telling him what you want him to do.  For example, if you want him to stop hitting his sister, instead of saying, “Stop hitting your sister!” say “If you want her to leave you alone tell her ‘Please stop.’”  Instead of, “Don’t talk to me like that!” try saying, “I know you’re upset, but you may not use that voice tone.” for adolescents you can take it one step further and say, “When you’re ready to talk calmly I’ll be waiting right here.”  Then drop out of the conversation.  If needed, keep repeating that phrase in the same voice tone. 

You can do it.  We. Are. Grown-ups!

Now, about that first kiss…

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